Chattywackynattytan

I've had a pretty rough day.
Everything doesnt seem to go right.
Missing Boy like crazy.
But apparently he seems quite cold to me in msn.
We're not talking.
I dont know why.
He had a bad day too.
Maybe he'll need time to take it in.
I'm in no position to entertain people.
I just wanna stay a distance
To whoever it maybe.
Maybe it's just a phase.
I just wanna be left alone.
I was never needed anyway.
So my disappearance would mean absolutely nothing to anyone.

And i feel better after i told you how i felt.
Happy, yet sad.
But i'm contented somehow.
The irony.
I'm gonna give it my all.
That's all that matters. (:
Ily Hairul.

It's coming close to 11pm.
And not a single message from you.
The only time i received your message was this morning
Replying back my morning message.
Then that was it.
Period.
Am i really  that insignificant to you?

Imyimyimyimyimyimy.
I dont know how much longer i can stand myself missing you.
I'll be selfish to ask you to dump your training
Just to make time for me.
But i dont want to do that.
Because i cant bear to.

I hate feeling this way.
Me missing you.
Cant really focus well.
Ughhh.
 

This is exactly how i'm feeling right now towards me, him, us. It's been like this for the past few weeks. I sense there's something wrong with us but neither of us is talking about it. Maybe we're scared of the consequences because we know it too well.

Baby, i feel so distant when we're together sometimes. At times i feel like we're putting up a show just to reassure ourselves that everything is fine. I miss you so very much. I yearn for you every second, minute, hour, day but i dont show it. I know it sounds cliche/dumb/lame but i'm really into you. I dont care about your family background neither do i care how wealthy or poor you are. I dont go for material needs. I just know that i've never felt this strong for anyone. I miss how we used to be. I miss the times when you're trying to win me over, how we have endless things to say to each other. But now, we can barely hold a conversation that last as long as compared to the last time. We dont sms, meet up or talk on the phone as much as the last time. I dont demand much. I just want you to be yourself. I want you to treat me like your bestfriend, someone you can rant at, cry to, fight with. I want to be that person to be facing shit with you. And most of all i want to feel secured, emotionally, mentally, physically scured with you around. I dont want you to stay away from me cause as much as my actions dont show, i really need you. Words cannot describe how much i'm hurting right now. But i'm holding it in as i always do. I'm so scared of losing you, Hairul. I cannot afford to lose you. I've never given up hope on me, you or us. I really want us to last. Baby, i wanna say this all to you in person or at least on the phone but i cant bear to. If only you knew this.

Many things happened which i failed to update.
Due to the fact that i always procrastinate.
Fuck this habit of mine,
And why the fuck am i talking in lines?

I've been a total let down to myself.
I've become so transparent,
That i failed to recognize the face in the mirror looking back at me.
I feel very disappointed at the way i am now.
But i'm willing to change
Because i love me, myself & I.
Not forgetting my loved ones who adore me for who i am
Despite my fucking obvious flaws.

Had a small quarrel with Baby this afternoon.
I wished so much to know wtf is going on with him.
Sometimes, when i try to talk.
He'll silence me somehow.
He has the very capability to make me mellow,
And forget whatever unhappiness i had in me.
Which i failed to vent out and talk it out with him.
Resulting in the accumulation
Of unspoken words.
Leading to miscommunication and unnecessary fights.

I hate the fact how his words
Can hurt every inch of my being.
Making me feel depressed at times
Though i do not show it.
As i take it in my stride.
Because i am a firm believer of communication-work-wonders-in-relationship strategy.
And i accept brutally honest answers,
Because to make a relationship work,
It takes 2 hands to clap.
I hate the fact that he keeps feeling lousy for a bf.
Because this is totally untrue.
I hate the fact that he keeps thinking negatively of himself.
Always belittling himself,
Belittling the boy, the man i love very much.
Who i could foresee myself spending my entire life with him.
Because i've never felt so comfortably secured with anyone
Except him.

I like it very much when he embrace me,
In his might strong arms/biceps/triceps (:
I like to alot more when he shuts up me
With the taste of his lips.
When he kiss me, 
I feel total bliss.

I wish so much that he'll stop thinking negatively.
I wish so much for his happiness.
I wish so much that he will never get bored of me.
I wish so much that he wont ever leave me.
I wish so much that it wouldnt hurt as much as i thought it'd would.

I feel so irritated.
I feel so urgghh.
Like the irritation keeps accelerating.
And you'll eventually feel restless and pissed.
Fuckass shit.
This is motherfucking dope.

I'm a happy-goober.
I needed retail therapy.
Had one.
Now i'm satisfied.
Time for a mini-makeover.
Reason why i said mini is because i want my style to be versatile.
I wanna try something new and interesting.
But still that style has got to have the Nurul essence.

On top of that, i'm meeting bushhead and BB tomorrow at town!
So long never meet the both of them.
Meeting old friends is super egggciting.
I super duperrr ubbbberrr cant wait!
ARGHHHH! Day faster pass byyyyyy~

I dont really know why.
But i feel like crying big time right now.
I miss dad, my friends, my boyfriend and late aunt so much.

I miss my dad.
Having silly little quarrels with him.
Having the time of our lives.
Blasting music in his car.
Like he owns the whole highway.
I miss his smile.
I miss his laughter
I miss his hugs.
I miss his kisses.
I miss the way he grabs my hand.
I miss the way he wipes my tears away.
I miss the way he snatches my food.
I miss the way he looks me intently in his eyes.
Most of all, i miss his presence in my life.
I know he's to blamed for all that has happened.
But he have his reasons.
And he held a big responsibility.
But he gave up half-way.
But it's no excuse to pardon his mistake.
I just miss the old him.
I miss the family-man whom i grew up with.
I miss having a normal family.
A normal, happy family.

I miss my friends.
Most of all i miss Tambs baby, Kai, and ironically CB too.
I miss Liting and Sihui alot.
I miss Esther, KX, Jon and CK, my clique.
I know i havent been contacting them.
Time permits me to do so.
I guess i should try harder.
Things are drifting apart for us.
It's hard.
It's painful.
I want my happy days back.
I need to get back my social life.
I really need to.

I miss my boyfriend.
Despite the fact that we appear to be loving,
Which i admit we are.
I feel so distant away from him.
It's like due to the lack of time spent together,
I feel it's hard for us to be together.
Like really just wanna be together.
Mind, soul,emotion etc.
I've to admit,
I'm very afraid that he'll leave me.
Leave me for good.
I swear i feel like crying now.
But i fucking dont wanna show it.
Not to anyone or to him in particular.
I want him to have a peace of mind.
I feel so shitty.
I dont want to be too clingy.
But i feel like i am.
Which is not a good sign at all.
But i cant help but be clingy and sticky,
Cause i miss him.
It just freaking hurts baby.
It really hurts.

I miss my late aunt's presence.
I feel that alot of injustice has been done to her.
I wish so much that she dont go.
I hoped so much that she wont leave us during her stay in the hospital.
I prayed so much for her recovery.
I miss her so effing much,
That it hurts most of the time.

The thought of grandma kills my sympathy for her.
I blame both granddad and grandma for the shit they put their children through.
Wear a fucking scarf for all i care,
But if your heart is black,
It dont say anything good about you.
No matter how religiously fanatic you are.
So fuck the facade you're trying to put.
Cause you're hiding your guilt away behind that scarf you always use.
You pray for the future.
But it's to your selfish needs and desire that gets the better of you.
Say all your prayers,
Hide all your lies.
But when the truth surfaces,
Every part of you dies.
I thank you for your performance.
Cause i think i've had enough.
You put on a good show.
You're one gifted liar.

Pain, pain go away.
I said: Go. Away.

Been thinking about late aunt alot this few days.
It doesnt help when mom mentioned about her when we were out last wednesday.
She talked about it over dinner at Macs.
Mom's particularly upset over the news we've received from AIA.
I could tell she's blaming herself for it.
It hurts to see mom in that state.
Why didnt grandma do something despite knowing late aunt's condition was clearly detected in the medical report in 1990?
Why didnt grandma bothered to have further cross-examinations done on her condition?
If money was the motherfucking issue,
Why didn she bothered to work and earn a decent living instead of living off and gaining fuckshit sympathy?
There's a million questions going through my head.
But what's the point when the past is dead?
When things done, cant be undone.
When a life is gone to some fuckshit lame reasoing of yours?

I respected you so much because you're my elder and my mother's mother.
I loved you so much because you're a part of my identity.
I cared for you so much because you're my family.
But the tables have turned against you now.
I'm so disappointed in you.
You could have saved a life or maybe two.
If you get what i mean.
But if you really dont,
Then you're really screwed.

Imissyousomuchauntypah.
Pleasetakethispainaway.
Whenwillitbegone?
Ineedsomeassurance.
Andmomtoo.
Youknowweloveyou.
Butwhyyouleftuslikethat?
Ifuckingmissyou.
Ireallydo.

I feel so different now.
I feel like i dont really know the current me.
I get very agitated, angry, frustrated very easily the past few days.
Been trying to hold it back in.
I think i need to go for anger management classes.

And it doesnt help whenever i see Baby's ex around.
I feel awkward.
Like i dont belong with/to him.
Like he is her's.
That's how i feel.
You know why?
Because i keep having flashbacks.
That is whenever i see her around.
And i'll get agitated.
And angry.
And useless.
And i feel like venting it out.
By punching the people i dislike to the damn motherfucking core.

Fur gave me an emcee role for a glamorous sports event in school.
I happily accepted it.
But i backed out when i saw Cath's name.
I pleaded with Fur.
I just cannot face her.
At all.
Flashbacks keep occuring in my mind.
Then the process goes on and on till she's outta my sight.
I feel bad for backing out.
Bad for telling Fur that i had to decline.
But i had to.

Maybe you think it's just an excuse.
Because all of that shit happened in the past.
Maybe i am being overly-sensitive.
I need to change myself.
I need to change the way i feel in one way or another
I cant be lkke this forever.
I. Need. To. Change.
I gotta learn how to deal with it somehow.
I need to vent.
I have issue about/within/with myself.
Fuck it.

I feel so fucked up the past few days.
Temper kept running high.
It gets alot worse as days pass by.
Feel so confined at home.
Thinking about the upcoming holidays makes me frustrated.
Holidays = Home = Kids = Mom = Fuck life.
I wanna spend more time with Baby.
Even if it means doing nothing,
I really dont mind.
Having him by my side is more than enough.
It sounds damn mushy, i know.
That's something i'm kinda embarrassed about.
That's the exact reason why i never show.

Baby read my livejournal entries just 20 mins ago.
I feel so vulnerable.
Like a private side of me has been exposed.
I'm happy that he read it.
But on the other hand, i feel really shy.
It's a side i dont allow anyone to know.

I punched the wall in the toilet just now at the cafe.
I feel so angry.
I so Baby's ex-gf, Cath.
We had eye-contact.
I smile, she smiled.
Emotions kept hidden.
Flashbacks in the past kept rolling in my mind back then.
Makes me feel agitated, angry, frustrated.
And it dont help knowing that Tasha Lee sat directly behind me.
Tasha's a girl who likes Baby big time.
I swear i feel like punching the living daylights outta her.
Am i being possessive?
I dont want to be that way.

And low, i was never emo.
I'm just angry.
I'll get over it somehow.
Thanks Tambs baby for calming me down through the phone just now.

But i seriously need to revamp myself.
I need to vent.
Fucking fuck it motherfuckers.
And screw motherfucking kartikesh govindaraj.
I fucking hate you and your fucking guts to the damn core.
You're screwed tomorrow i swear.

I realised i've been emo-ing alot based on the past entires.
I dont like to emo.
Or be emo.
Or feel emo.
Or look emo.
Or act emo.
But sometimes we become emo.
Because life fucks us all.
WHEEEEHAAAA!

I love school.
Because i look forward to seeing my friends.
They make me laugh so bad that i enjoy my day so much.
No matter how fucked up it really was.
I love Sue and Low babyyyy so muchhhh.
Thanks for being my happy pills dearests!
My grades are picking up.
I feel good.
I feel more optimisitc about it
I feel more enthu to score the As.
I wanna further my studies.
I wanna build a career in the science or business industry.
I wanna get an apartment of my own.
I wanna create my own assets.
I wanna be financially secured.
I wanna provide for my family.
I wanna shape my own future.
I love this thinking so much.
Makes me feel significant.
I am really happy about that.
(:

I love life.
Did some soul-searching.
Still trying to find out ways to make life simpler for mom and kids.
Trying hard to adapt to the schedule.
And commit myself to the family more.
Brother's been giving me shit.
Still trying to figure out a way to handle him.
I hate to see mom sad.
I love her so much.
I just want her to be happy and ease her mind somehow.

Things are going on smoothly now.
I'm hyper all again.
It feels more like me.
I feeel fwwwreaaaking happpaaayyy!
I love myself.
Because i rockkkkkk your arseholes real hard!

I'm happy with myself.
I'm at peace with myself.
Well, at least for now.
I'm happy for the fact that Baby could click with Sue and Low.
Not that he has issues with them.
But seriously,
Who doesnt want their significant other to click well with their friends?
It's nice knowing that you can have the best of both worlds.
Having your boyfriend as well as your friends around you.
Hanging out/chilling together,
Having the time of our lives.
It's an all dream come true for me.
Seriously.
There's nothing better than that.

I love baby more and more each day.
I feel so close to him.
I feel so attached to him.
Feelings that i never once thought i had for him kept growing and growing.
Stronger and stronger.
Each and every day,
I pray for his safety and happiness.
I want only what's best for him.
I admit, i cant be there for him 24/7.
And it sucks.
But i pray/hope that we'll last long.
Together, forever if possible.

Marriage was never in my cards.
Seeing my surroundings makes me fear the idea of marriage.
Co-habit is something that i might reconsider.
Well, maybe i suppose.
Yeah, i am different from most girls.
They want to get married.
But i dont.
I'm scared.
Lifetime commitment.
Not easy.
But manageable somehow.

I love to see old couple holding hands.
Basking under the sun.
Enjoying each other's company.
As always.
And forever will.
You see their hands intertwine.
You see the way they snuggle in each other's arms.
Whispering sweet nothings to each other.
Laughing at their own jokes.
Like a private joke shared between them.
A certain language that only they understand.

I wanna be like them.
I wanna grow old with my loved ones.
I wanna share their happiness/joy/sorrows/disappointments in life.

Mom,
No matter the shit we've been through.
No matter how frustrating it could be at times.
No matter how hurting it could be when you said shit about me.
I have never hated you.
I try my best to understand and reason out why you act in such manner.
You are afterall my mom.
The person who raised me up.
Thank you so much for being my mom.
I love you mummy.

To that special boy,
Who never fails to make my heart flutter.
No matter how irritating/retarded/annoying/stubborn/temperamental i could be.
Your heart is the place i call home.
Thanks for being my boyfriend.
Thanks for loving/pampering me.
I love you Baby.
You know i do.

And yes, fuck Jessie.
Cause i hate her for making my Tambi damn dulan.
Motherfucking poser.
I'm being sucha bitch now.
Cant help it.
Jessie made me this way.
The white arse bitch.
Go get a life.
Dont be a wanna-be, girl.
You've got alot to learn China.

Peace outttttttttttttt!

I'm so effing tired.
Thank god Tambi was there yesterday night.
Thanks so much for listening to me whining/crying/complaining my ass away, love.
I felt like a child when i talked to Tambi baby yesterday.
I felt so loved.
I felt so comfortable.
I felt so real.
Like i was being just plain old me.

Things havent been going right from the start in the morning.
I dropped my earing into the sink while i was in the shower.
I didnt dry my hair due to the lack of time.
Now it's a total mess.
I miss my PCD pants.
I feel so untidy.
And fugggaaaly.
Fuck it.
It's so not my day.
And it doesnt help that today's physic module.

On the other hand, my friends will help me get through the day.
Thank god i have them.
Peace out~

I just realised i've got split personality.
Well, who doesnt.
Anyways, i'm happy to post my thoughts here.
Not just any thoughts, but private thoughts.
Thoughts, feelings, emotions that i could never bear myself to show it to the world.
For fear they might think i'm an judgemental/biased/over-sensitive/emoshit asshole.
Who cant/doesnt take opinions/views/judgement well.
For reasons unknown, people's judgement matters a hell lot to me.
Although i dont show it, but it gets to me.
Resulting me to feel/get/be affected.

I have the urge to drink, smoke, dance.
I have the urge to get high and dance the day/afternoon/evening/night away.
I'm happy but not too happy.
I feel like i need a change/makeover.
I dont know what kinda change/makeover.
Maybe a self-esteem makeover?
I dont really feel myself now.
I feel fat.
I feel lousy.
I feel hopeless.

I swear i need to do something abt myself.
I need retail therapy.
Period.

I'm trying to adapt.
Trying hard to show more of my affection towards him.
But at times, i get so scared cause maybe i might sound alil too clingy.
I suck in this.
I suck at showing my love for my loved ones.
The irony.

Life has been pretty much the same.
Just need to show alil more loving towards that special someone.
As much as i want him to know that i love/miss him with utmost sincerity in my heart,
I have this fear that he'll leave me someday,
Causing me to face the most excruciating pain of losing someone dear to me.
Someone whom i love dearly and visualize spending my entire life with.

You might probably be surprised on how sentimental and freakishly girly nurul can be at times.
It's my motherfucking weakness.
And it's because of this that i dont show.
A facade i put up every single day.
A tough exterior so that others wont step on me.

Anyway, there's so many things i wanna do now.
I wanna learn/take/do motor racing, boxing, soccer, wakeboarding, driving etc.
But my current schedule doesnt permit me to do the things that i wanna do.
I've got many things to juggle.
And yes, i do struggle.
But i'll learn to manage somehow.
If others can do it, why cant i right?

But frankly speaking, at times i feel so lost.
For instance, as much as i wanna be there for mom and kids,
I find it very hard to be physically present.
And just as much as i wanna be there for baby,
I find it really hard because i'm down with mom and kids.
Same applies to my friends, cliques and most importantly myself.
The only time i have for myself is probably when i'm in the shower or when i'm sleeping.
That's like my only private time.
I know i sound freaking whiney but i cant help it.
Life hasnt been fair.
But then again, has it always been fair to others?

I miss my late aunt.
I miss her hugs.
I miss her kisses.
I miss her laughter.
I miss her jokes.
I miss her presence so much.
I feel like effing crying.

I miss Baby alot.
I feel that things between us are changing.
Maybe for the worst?
This i dont know.
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe i'm being overly-sensitive.
Maybe i'm reading way too much in between the lines.
But if it's for the worst,
i'm working towards it.
To make it better.
For me, for you, for us.
I dont want us to end.
I bet you dont know this but
I love you so much Hairul.
And you were never a leonad replacement.

XOXO, Nurul.